On the Subject of LOVE!!!

Been I while since I posted. Our lives have changed so much that I feel I have to share with everyone. A month ago we packed the moving truck and loaded the kids in the van and drove five hours to a new state and a new house. We left behind everything we had known to start a new life in a new place. Sounds like a real adventure but it sure is scary. Our house is still for sale and money is very tight. On paper it hardly looks like it will work but we are witness that God does provide. Each time it looked like we would fall short God provided what we needed. One of the toughest things to do was to leave friends. I am so thankful to the internet that keeps us in touch with those friends. We found a church on Sunday that is just what we needed. Some powerful and moving sermons are online for everyone to hear. http://pinelevel.pitas.com I am so thankful everyday for all the blessings God has given us. If you know God take a moment and look around at everything God has given you. Look at your children, look at the roof over your head, look at a sunset and look up and praise God for all the beauty that surrounds us everyday. If you don't know God I beg of you to read his word and hear the words of love and hope that he offers all of us.

The Ugly Truth:What it is like to have a parent with untreated mental illness

In truth I don’tknow if anyone is even looking at this blog, but oh well, at least I will feel better typing this. Sort of therapy I suppose. The worst thing about having a parent with an untreated mental illness is it never ends. Soon I will be the ripe old age of thirty-two and my mother just gets worse, and my responsibility grows. The pain grows with it. I have given birth to four beautiful children. My mother came to the hospital for two. This really doesn’t count as two because it was the birth of the twins. The second day home from the hospital my father and mother came to visit. My mother spent the whole time complaining cause she wanted to go to the flea market, and my dad insisted on seeing the twins. Having a mother that doesn’t seem to care about you is hard; having one that doesn’t care about your children is harder. Everywhere you go you hear "oh your mother must be so happy." "Oh you must have so much help." In truth I have no help other than my husband. If one kid has to go to the doctor then they all go. If I have to go to the doctor my husband has to take off work so that he can watch the children. This is okay with us. It is better than leaving them with someone that can not handle children. My mother has never volunteered to watch my children, and I have never asked. I know she is not capable of it, and my husband and I agreed before the twins (our first) were born that she would never baby-sit for us because of the way she treated her own children. If your parent mistreated you, why take a chance with your child?
People assume that my mother and I are close or used to be close just because we are mother and daughter. We are not. She has done some pretty unbelievable things to me. When my mother and father divorced I was 27 years old. I was the proud mother of two twin boys who were less then one year old. I also had the misfortune of living next door to her. It was a very scary time. She called everyday accusing my father of horrible things like cheating and giving her STD’s. One day she called and told me she was going to tell my father’s work that he had AIDS. I told her that was a lie and she could not continue to make up lies. She hung up and never called again. Instead she called the police everyday and accused my father of beating her and making threats to harm her. She also filed for a restraining order against him. My father and I and one of my brothers had to go to court for this and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I felt so bad for her in the halls of the court she looked so full of anger and grief and all alone. I wanted to go up and hug her but I couldn’t. This woman hated me and a week before had left all my fathers stuff on my lawn with an empty kerosene can beside it. Luckily my husband and I had taken the babies and stayed in a hotel the night before. In the courtroom my mom ranted and raved, yelling accusations but could never get her story straight and the restraining order was denied. She then decided this was a conspiracy against her because my father was a Mason. After this she switched targets. Her newest target became me. I discovered about a month after my parents’ split that I was pregnant again and to me surprise I was three months along. I was never able to tell my mother this would be my saving grace. When I was almost five months along, and showing quite a bit a sheriff knocked on the door at lunchtime. A day that would turn out to be another day burned into my memory worthy of nightmares later on; seems my mother had called and reported that I had abused her that weekend. I began to shake. I could just see me taken from my babies and put into jail waiting for my court date. The sheriff began to ask where I had been the previous Saturday. Thankfully my mother-in-law and father-in-law had been visiting from out of town which I told the sheriff. He then told me my mother had reported that I had gone up to her house claiming I wanted to patch things up and waited till her back was turned then I had knocked her to the floor and proceeded to beat her. Since she did not know I was pregnant she did not describe me accurately to the sheriff. At this point the sheriff told me that she could be prosecuted for filing false police report and if she was investigated for one they would investigate all the reports she had filed. He told me that he felt she needed treatment and didn’t feel jail was the right place for her. He began to explain how to have some one committed. I knew this had to be done but didn’t want to be the one to do it. So my father and I and the boys and my husband went out to eat and then went downtown to sign the papers. The sheriffs’ cars came up the driveway later that night. It turned out to be about ten cars because she locked herself in the house and refused to leave because she needed someone to take care of her cats. I had to go to my grandparents and tell them what was happening because they live on the other side of me and she was calling them. They told me I was wrong to commit her and that I shouldn’t have done this and that she would always be my mother. My mother was released after three days and we still live next to each other. Our relationship is very strained. We were both in the grocery store last week and she pretended she couldn’t see me. Today my house is up for sale, but we have had no one even look at it. My mother sold off the timber rights to her land. She gave them an old deed and some how or other (we still don’t know how) she sold the timber rights to our trees too. The property looks awful and since it is her property that is being foreclosed on there is nothing we can do. We are stuck unable to sell. The only way we could recoup our loses is by suing my mother.

Why tell my story...

Why tell the story of my childhood? It is painful and brings back many
memories that I would rather forget. Many people have told me I must
forgive and FORGET. I have forgiven; that was a long hard road I traveled
forgiving those who hurt me the most. Forgetting is not something I can do,
in this case, it is too important that others know what happens in the life
of a child whose parent has an untreated mental illness. We must reduce the
stigma that is related to mental illness, we must start supporting each
other. It is time for the world to care about those affected by mental
illness. When we make it hard for the consumer to seek treatment, we damage
more than the patient, we hurt the others in their life as well.
I was having an enjoyable conversation the other day, with someone that
recently moved to a new neighborhood. He mentioned that the neighbor was
very mouthy, and if you stood in your yard you could hear the neighbor
yelling at his family inside his house. He assured me that he was sure
there was no physical abuse towards his children and that the neighbor was
all mouth. This brought back more memories; long since forgotten. My
mother, in a rage, yelling at us all night. Once I went to the bus stop
after a long night of my mother’s yelling to have the next door neighbor and
the girl across the street tease me because they could hear my mother
yelling at me. That is right teasing me for the actions of my mother. That
told me how alone I was at such a young age. I now knew that the neighbors
could hear; and all they did was pick on me and make me feel even more
ashamed of my life. If someone yells something at you everyday you
eventually start to believe it. I had no self-esteem as a child or as a
teenager because I was told everyday, by someone I loved, that I was
worthless and bad and whiny.
What could have been done? First you must recognize that someone that
experiences rage like this needs help, not punishment. My mother didn’t put
me down because she didn’t love me or because she wanted to hurt me; she did
it because she couldn’t stop herself. I will never know if she saw the
damage or felt bad afterwards, because we do not have the kind of open
relationship that would allow this kind of talk to take place. I am sure
many people realized that my mother suffered from a mental illness; and if
they didn't, it is because they didn’t want to believe it could happen so
close to home. These people include her husband, her parents, her friends
and even her doctors. How could her doctors miss this? They relied on what
she told them and no one ever questioned the family. She was committed when
I was a young child for suicide attempts; she would be taken to the hospital
have her stomach pumped and then committed. She would be released after
three days. She would always be released with the same diagnoses:
Depression. Then the whole cycle would start again. How could she be fixed
in three days? The answer is - she wasn’t. To this day she suffers.
She has lost many things that we take for granted. She lost her marriage,
her relationships with her children and grandchildren. She missed the
births of 5 of her 8 grandchildren. She has now lost her house due to
uncontrollable spending sprees. Some days she does not even get dressed.
Did she fail us? No we have failed her. All of us; me, my father, her
parents but mainly society. "How can this be?" you may say. My mother has
admitted to many ailments in her life, and is even on disability for a
chronic back ailment; so why not admit to having a mental illness? I never
understood this until her last suicide attempt.
Right before Easter, my Mother’s last manic episode caught up to her. She
had stopped paying the mortgage on her house, and was in danger of losing
the house my grandparents live in as well. She had turned to my husband and
I for help in saving her parents’ house, by asking us to take over the note.
When we went to our bank for a mortgage, they told us it was being handled
as part of the foreclosure of her house; since they are neighboring
properties and she is the owner of both. We began working on getting my
grandparent’s house separated from the foreclosure. At the same time, my
father filed to have his support payments dropped, because he has no income
since he lost his job. She was presented the papers with a letter from her
lawyer telling her he would not represent her because she still owed him
over $3,000.00. She went to her parent’s house and talked to them all
afternoon. Upon leaving she told her mother she wished she were sick so she
could go into the hospital. I received a call from my mother fifteen
minutes later. She started telling me her friend was coming to get her
cats, and my grandparents could live with her sister and that she loved me.
I tried to keep her on the phone, since my husband and brother would soon be
home and I had no one to watch the children. She told me she had to call
her doctor, to say goodbye and then she hung up. I took my four children to
my grandparents and ran to my mother’s house (I live in between the two
houses). I found all the doors locked so I called her and asked her to let
me in. She did; and I found an empty bottle of pills lying on her bed. I
then called 911 and explained my mother had overdosed. After this she
became angry with me, and began yelling at me in front of the sheriff that I
am always committing her. This was very hard for me to hear, because I hate
being the one she blames, but I also realize that I did nothing wrong. She
was taken to the hospital in an ambulance and she signed herself in.
Enabling her to leave after two days instead of the three days that comes
with an involuntary commitment.
This was a tough time for my family and me, as no one could understand how
we felt and no one wants to talk about mental illness. You really learn who
your friends are at a time like this. Many people simply would change the
subject if we began actually telling them when they asked how we were doing.
People become noticeable uncomfortable when I talk to them about my
mother’s mental illness. If I feel the stigma, and am treated differently
because I am related to someone with a mental illness; then how could my
mother hope she would be treated fairly? That she could keep her family and
friends if she admitted she had a mental illness? My mother will probably
never be treated for her mental illness. So far I am the only one in the
family willing to even talk about this issue.
Currently my relationship with my mother is pretty shut off. She is civil
to me for my grandparents’ sake, but still blames me for her last committal,
and does not see that it is a result of her actions. My mother’s illness
has progressively gotten worse over the years; I wish I had seen her illness
in time to get her treatment in the fleeting moments when she would have
been receptive to treatment. She may never be able to enjoy her life as I
enjoy mine: Watching my children grow and just enjoy time passing by. I may
not be able to help her, but I hope to bring awareness to the difficulties
faced by consumers suffering from mental illness. In doing so, I hope to
save other families from going through the same pain as my mother and I
have.

Our Logo

We now have a logo. Thank you Alison Beamon. Want to see more of her work here is her site

http://www.thepixelwell.com/ A very big thank you again to Alison for her donation.

Plan of Action

As you can see our dream is starting to take shape with God's help. I must say that Britt Figueroa of Monkey Love http://www.monkeylovessi.com/ has been a huge huge help in getting us started and giving us support. She is an exceptional woman. Please visit her website and support her company anytime you can. Here is the future of Loving Harbor and a new future to families that live with mental illness.

Loving Harbor – A Promise of Hope

* Who are we? We are advocates for families suffering the effects of mental illness.

* What do we do? We offer support to families coping with mental illness.

* How do we do this? We offer a camp for children to stay at, while the consumer seeks treatment. We offer monthly support groups for children in a fun environment. We offer monthly support groups for the spouse/significant other (at the same time as the children’s)

* What will the children do at camp? During their time at camp, children will learn:
** About their parents (guardians) illness and how it affects them.
** How to cope with the issues raised in the family due to the illness.
** How to deal with their feelings resulting from the changes in their life caused by the consumer’s illness (i.e. guilt, anger, and embarrassment).
** Learn that they are loved and they are important; this is done through a Christian based program "Confident Kids"
** Most importantly they will have fun and connect with other children in similar situations.

* How is visitation handled? We offer a family-dining atmosphere. We encourage the parent /guardian to join their child/children for dinner. We feel it is important for the child not to feel abandoned, and encourage the parent to visit whenever possible. We also feel it is important for the child to know the consumer is okay and will arrange for visitation if the family desires it.

* How is education handled? We will work with your child/children’s school policies. We work with area schools and tutors to make sure your child’s/children’s education is uninterrupted.

* How long can my child remain at camp? Your child can stay as long as you wish.

* How does the camp benefit me the spouse/significant other of the consumer? It allows the spouse/significant other to:
** Continue to work without worrying about the welfare of their child.
** Visit the consumer.
** Attend any therapy /meetings with the consumer that are needed.
** Address the needs of the child/children

* How does the camp benefit my family? It treats the child at the same time the consumer is receiving treatment, allowing the entire family to heal and make a fresh start, verses picking up where everything left off. Lessens the stress on the child, hopefully preventing any problems for the child in the future (i.e. depression, anger)

* How does the camp benefit the consumer? It allows the consumer to seek treatment without the worry of losing their child/children. We teach the child about the consumer’s illness according to the child’s age. We give the child a support network of peers. We take a potentially frightening situation for the child and turn it into a fun, learning, coping experience. We appreciate the bonds between the consumer and child and work to strength them.

CATS cats CATS cats CATS cats CATS cats.........

My mother does nothing in moderation.
At some point in my elementary years, my mother discovered she had a great love for cats. It started slowly; both of my brothers and I got one cat each. One of them was a show cat and the seller introduced my mom to the "wonderful" world of cat shows. She loved it - the attention, the control, the praise from the other cat show "people" - and her collection of award winning cats grew. Usually our house had around 20 to 25, and being show cats, they were always indoors. I wore hand me down clothes from my older brothers, or clothes that my mother's co-workers had given her. But no expense was spared for these precious cats; show cats sell at an unbelievable high price ($1000.00 and up) and require a lot of care. The vet bills were through the roof. You also pay to go to the cat shows. This cost varies on how many cats you have in the show, where it is, and the price tag of the hotel that would allow 6-7 cats in each of the rooms. My mom always showed at least 4 at $35.00 a day (lowest I have seen) for two days. And not only were we expected to go with her to help her, she also "volunteered" us to work as a steward - cleaning out the cages that the cats had peed in while waiting to be judged.
She rarely could part with any of the precious cats she had bred so the numbers continued to climb sometimes up to 45, 50 or even more! At this point my dad would issue his ultimatum; that if she didn't get rid of some he would leave. She would sell a bunch and then breed some more. I can remember having to sit in the bathroom, not allowed to come out until I had seen the male cat "get" the female so she could be sure that it "took". How awful that is for a 7 year old!!! It's a wonder I ever had kids myself, knowing that much about reproduction at such a young age. Having a house full of cats with access to every corner (we were never allowed to shut our doors to our rooms - but that's another story) the male cats would spray our clothes. Our house ALWAYS smelled of cat pee, so you never realized until you got to school that a cat had peed on your clothes. Then you spent the rest of the day wishing you could disappear. Needless to say my entire school career from elementary to high school was awful. Kids don't understand or care that you have no control over what your parents do.
I suppose that is enough for now. I'm sure there will be tons of more Cat stories from me. If you are wondering; yes she still has cats. She just dropped from another high amount. She has spent all her money on kitty litter, cat food, vet bills, cat toys and who knows what. Now, unable to pay her bills, her house has been foreclosed and she must move in with her elderly parents. They have set a limit on the number of cats to 3 or 4. We will see how long that lasts.

When Your Parent Has a Mental Illness--UIUC Counseling Center

When Your Parent Has a Mental Illness--UIUC Counseling Center

This is a very good article. Helps address some of the challenges these children face now and later as adults.